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I've been reading a lot of research on forgiveness lately and came across this Oscar Wilde quote: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." Here are two articles worth reading today on forgiveness: one by Sonder Wellness, January 29, 2024 entitled "How to Practice Forgiveness" and another by Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD, Psychology Today, May 26, 2023 "Why Forgiveness Is So Hard (but Important). https://www.sonderwellness.com/blog/2024/01/29/forgiveness/ "To err is human; to forgive, divine." -- Alexander Pope
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Check out this thoughtful and thorough April 15, 2024 article written by Joshua Coleman and published in the publication Scientific American.
Clients often come to see me feeling a wide range of emotions including disappointment, helplessness, grief, anger, outrage, sadness, and betrayal. Emotions influence all of our decisions -- what concessions a person will make during negotiations, when a person will make concessions, whether he or she will continue to negotiate or settle, how he or she will push the other party, how the other person will react when pushed. People in conflict have a full range of emotions that vary in intensity during mediation, and over time, parties become less able to communicate, more polarized, and less able to resolve their conflict.
The publication "Grief, Anger, and Fear in Mediation" written by lawyers and mediators Joe and Susan Epstein discusses how mediators can help untie the knot of emotion and states in pertinent part: "...Being attuned to the presence and addressing the key emotions of grief, anger, and fear as they arise in the context of mediation...is more often than not the key to successful mediations. Commentators in the field of mediation often address the motivations, underlying interests, and needs of the parties involved in conflict. Skillful mediators search for and address these factors during the course of mediation. Nonetheless, commentators, mediators, and negotiators tend to overlook the emotionally powerful issues of grief, anger, and fear. Acknowledgement of emotional factors empowers parties, creates a legitimate sense of control and fairness, and creates the opportunity to restore, preserve, or enhance relationships. In short, by addressing emotions, mediators and negotiators will unlock the door to key motivations, interests, and needs facing parties..." Mediators help resolve conflict by identifying common goals, engaging the parties in cooperation, and focusing on the substance of the dispute. We also use tools to address issues and emotions in mediation such as paraphrasing, reframing, validating, summarizing, and asking open ended questions. In particular, we validate by (1) noticing the presence of emotion, (2) being present and giving all of our attention to the person who is speaking, and (3) acknowledging and naming the emotion. Too often, attorneys and negotiators are uncomfortable with addressing emotion in a mediation room and choose to simply ignore it. Mediation is more than just a process; it's a journey towards resolution, understanding, and healing. In this blog post, we're sharing hypothetical examples of individuals and families who, with the guidance of mediation, may navigate their challenges and emerge with strengthened relationships and newfound peace.
1. Rebuilding Trust in Co-Parenting: In one case, a divorced couple struggling with communication found solace through mediation. Through facilitated discussions, they developed a co-parenting plan that prioritized the well-being of their children. Today, they share parenting responsibilities amicably, rebuilding trust and creating a stable environment for their family. 2. A Harmony of Inheritance: In a complex family inheritance dispute, mediation played a pivotal role in fostering communication and understanding. Siblings engaged in open dialogue, guided by a skilled mediator, and reached a fair and mutually agreeable resolution. The result was not only the equitable distribution of assets but also the preservation of sibling relationships that had been strained for years. 3. Resolving Marital Strain through Mediation: A couple on the brink of divorce sought mediation to explore an alternative to litigation. Through guided conversations, they addressed underlying issues, learned effective communication strategies, and ultimately decided to give their marriage another chance. Mediation provided the space for them to rediscover the love and commitment that had initially brought them together. 4. From Workplace Conflict to Collaboration: Mediation isn't confined to family matters; it extends to various aspects of life, including the workplace. In a corporate setting, a team grappling with internal conflicts found resolution through workplace mediation. By fostering open dialogue, acknowledging differing perspectives, and creating a plan for moving forward, the team transformed from a divided group to a collaborative and productive unit. 5. Healing Generational Wounds: In a particularly poignant case, a family sought mediation to address deep-seated generational conflicts. Through facilitated conversations, the family members uncovered long-held grievances and worked towards reconciliation. The healing process not only repaired fractured family ties but also set the stage for a more connected and supportive family dynamic. These anecdotal examples show the power of mediation to transform relationships, facilitate understanding, and pave the way for a more harmonious future. If you find yourself facing challenges within your family or workplace, consider the transformative potential of mediation – a process that goes beyond conflict resolution to foster positive growth and lasting connections. Loved talking to Bold Journeys about resilience, grit and perseverance, my parents, and all things mediation! Click above to read the full article or read it below:
We were lucky to catch up with Ellice (Lisa) Halpern recently and have shared our conversation below. Hi Ellice (Lisa), appreciate you sitting with us today to share your wisdom with our readers. So, let’s start with resilience – where do you get your resilience from? That is a really interesting question and one that I have not been asked about before in an interview. I am fascinated with the topic of resilience and grit. I remember when Sheryl Sandberg gave the commencement speech at Virginia Tech’s graduation in 2017, after her husband Dave Goldberg died suddenly in 2015. Sheryl said in pertinent part, “The most important thing I learned is that we are not born with a certain amount of resilience. It is a muscle and that means we can build it.” Sheryl and psychologist Adam Grant talk about how to build resilience in yourself in their book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. “Hundreds of studies have shown that children and adults recover more quickly when they realize that hardships aren’t entirely their fault, don’t affect every aspect of their lives, and won’t follow them everywhere forever.” Where do I get my resilience? My mother used to tell me when I would become overwhelmed with school work in high school, college, and law school to take one thing at a time. I am a detail person and a perfectionist, and this wise advice has guided me throughout life. We have a choice to complain and to see the glass as half empty or to reframe our thoughts, find the silver linings, and to see the glass as half full. My parents divorced when I was 12. My mother was a single mom who raised three children on her own, worked full time in a career that she loved, and died of cancer at age 55 eight weeks after diagnosis. She was a very positive and resilient person and led by example. My father had various health issues but did not complain about them; he carried on with a full life of working as an attorney and traveling. I continue to build resilience day by day and year by year. I am paraphrasing Sheryl and Adam here: We all go through hardship and heartbreak and it is important to surround ourselves with our tribe, to speak about traumatic events, and to build self-confidence and self-compassion. We need to pay attention to our happiness and our joyful moments. Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on? I am a mediator and have owned my business Little Falls Mediation since 2015. My business is based in Arlington, Virginia, and I work remotely when I spend time in California. Our mission is to provide a caring, empathetic environment where clients feel comfortable, safe, and empowered in discussing and resolving conflict. I mainly work with families on marriage, family, divorce and post divorce matters and also help to resolve disputes in community, workplace, and business matters. Mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution in which the mediator empowers the parties to a dispute to identify the issues, brainstorm solutions, evaluate solutions, and reach joint decisions. My brand is kindness, rapid response, and competence. My clients come to me when they are undergoing great stress, and I treat them exactly as I would want to be treated. I started off as a lawyer. I worked in an executive branch agency in Washington, D.C. after law school, then worked in the U.S. Senate for Senator Ted Stevens from Alaska. I then worked as Washington counsel for the American Medical Association. After I had three children, I decided I wanted to take charge of my schedule. I trained to become a mediator in 2010. I started working at Multi-Door Dispute Resolution in D.C. Courts, handling court referred cases in the Small Claims, Family, and Judge in Chambers programs. I taught Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) and Mediation at the Scalia Law School at George Mason University for many semesters. And I currently guest lecture at American University once each semester as well on ADR. If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most? Perseverance, grit, and resilience were three qualities that were impactful in my journey. And to be successful in my practice with my clients: kindness, rapid response, competence, and transparency about the mediation process and costs. My advice: find a mentor and be a mentor. One very important mentor to me was Larry Gaughan, known as the father of mediation in the D.C./Maryland/Virginia area. I met him at a conference and learned so much from him about life, grit and resilience, and dispute resolution. We became good friends and colleagues and I miss him every day. Larry died at age 85 in 2019. I receive regular calls from young professionals who are interested in mediation as a career, and I very much enjoy speaking with them and mentoring them. To close, maybe we can chat about your parents and what they did that was particularly impactful for you? My parents empowered me to figure things out for myself. They did not hover over me. I paid for college and law school mostly from student loans even though my father was a lawyer and could well afford to pay for my education at Cornell and Georgetown. I paid for my first brand new car with money earned from my first job out of law school. I paid for my contact lenses and my clothes as a teenager. I always had a job. My parents worked hard throughout their lives — my mother as a Development Director up until her death at age 55 and my father as a lawyer and then journalist up until his death at age 88. And they both were extroverts and loved traveling, volunteering in their communities, engaging in what was going on in the world, and celebrating life. I miss them every day. Contact Info:
Photo at AWE (Arlington Women Entrepreneurs conference), Jackie Huber photographer. Headshot, Tim Coburn photographer. GMU photo, shot with my cellphone. Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season and a happy and healthy New Year!  Loved talking to Canvas Rebel about the first dollar I ever made, my background, my brand, and all things mediation. Read the article here or below: canvasrebel.com/meet-ellice-lisa-halpern/
STORIES & INSIGHTS Meet Ellice (Lisa) Halpern NOVEMBER 9, 2023 We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Ellice (Lisa) Halpern a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below. Ellice (Lisa), looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. The first dollar your business earns is always special and we’d love to hear how your brand made its first dollar of revenue. I was training to become a family mediator in 2015. Training was a process which involved observing a mediation with a mentor mediator, co-mediating a case together, and then mediating on my own with my mentor mediator observing me. I worked on a divorce case during my training with my mentor mediator, Rick. I noticed that Rick was really good with the financial issues so I handled the parenting plan issues and acknowledged the emotion that was present between the parties. We were a good team. A few months after we wrote a marital settlement agreement for this couple, I received an email that I should go buy the December issue of Northern Virginia magazine. The cover story was “”Til Divorce Do Us Part”. There were three paragraphs in the article about my co-mediator and me. A reporter had interviewed this couple, unbeknownst to me, about using mediation in the divorce process. The three paragraphs were extremely complimentary about the work that we had done with this couple. “…they kept two hardheaded people on task and focused. When we were being counterproductive, they kept us calm and on topic…if we had gone to mediators from the start, we would have been done in two months at a fraction of the cost…I can’t say enough about how much we appreciate our mediators.” My first client called me after reading the cover story in Northern Virginia magazine. I’ll never forget the thrill that I felt when she said she had read the cover story and wanted to hire me! As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your back background and context? After law school, I worked in the executive branch of government in Washington, D.C., then went up to Capitol Hill to work as Minority Counsel on a Subcommittee of the U,S. Senate Governmental Affairs Committee. My boss was Senator Ted Stevens from Alaska. I then became a lobbyist for the American Medical Association. After I had three children, I decided to train to become a mediator. Mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution in which the parties to a dispute are empowered to identify the issues, brainstorm solutions, evaluate solutions, and reach joint decisions. After I was certified by the Virginia Supreme Court to be a general mediator and a family mediator, I started working at Multi-Door Dispute Resolution in D.C. Courts, handling court referred cases in the Small Claims, Family, and Judge in Chambers programs. I wanted to mediate as many cases as I could to gain experience. Eventually, I decided to open my own mediation practice, Little Falls Mediation. I help my clients to resolve family, business, workplace, and community matters. My brand is competence, kindness, and rapid response. My clients come to me when they are undergoing great stress, and I treat them exactly as I would want to be treated. Can you tell us about a time you’ve had to pivot? When I started mediating, mediators were trained to work with clients face to face. It is important that parties to a dispute feel comfortable, safe, and empowered to discuss and resolve conflict. Mediators need to establish trust with their clients. I remember when the pandemic first started, I said out loud that online mediation could not be accomplished effectively. I was not sure how to establish trust and to convey warmth if I was not meeting with clients in person and looking them directly in the eye. Of course, I was wrong and I’ve been mediating online since March of 2020. My clients like the convenience of mediating from the comfort of their offices or homes. Any stories or insights that might help us understand how you’ve built such a strong reputation? My brand is kindness, competence, and rapid response. I am also very transparent about what mediation costs with my clients. I give them choices. I am famous for giving homework assignments during a mediation session and for drafting session notes after a mediation session that clearly outlines what clients agreed to during mediation and what homework assignments they should complete before we meet again. I tend to get clients in and out of mediation which they greatly appreciate. My clients tell me all the time how much they appreciate these four factors: kindness, competence, rapid response, and transparency about mediation costs. Contact Info:
Tim Coburn Photography  While the legal aspects of estate distribution may seem straightforward, the emotional complexity that arises in stepfamilies can add an additional layer of difficulty, leading to disputes, misunderstandings, and prolonged conflicts. Such situations often require delicate handling and an understanding of the unique dynamics at play.
Communication, transparency, and empathy are essential elements that can help alleviate the strain in stepsibling relationships during the estate settlement process. Open and honest dialogue among family members can foster mutual understanding and pave the way for a smoother transition. Encouraging all parties involved to express their concerns, needs, and expectations can lay the groundwork for a more collaborative and amicable resolution. In some cases, seeking the guidance of a professional mediator may prove beneficial in facilitating constructive conversations and fostering a more harmonious environment. Additionally, engaging the services of a skilled estate planning attorney can provide valuable insights and legal expertise to ensure that the distribution of assets adheres to the wishes of the deceased while minimizing potential conflicts. San Diego Voyager reached out to ask if they could interview me for a story on local entrepreneurs. I explained that my business is based in Arlington, Virginia. The reporter was still interested in hearing my story since I spent last February working remotely from La Jolla. Thank you SD Voyager! Click on the link or read the article below: http://sdvoyager.com/interview/community-highlights-meet-ellice-lisa-halpern-of-little-falls-mediation/ Today we’d like to introduce you to Ellice (also known as Lisa) Halpern. Hi Ellice, so excited to have you with us today. What can you tell us about your story? I am a mediator and own my business Little Falls Mediation. I have always loved La Jolla, and last February my husband and I both decided to work remotely from La Jolla for a month. My business is based in Arlington, Virginia. I started off as a lawyer. I worked in an executive branch agency, then worked in the U.S. Senate for Senator Ted Stevens from Alaska. I then worked as Washington counsel for the American Medical Association. After I had three children, I decided I wanted to take charge of my schedule. I trained to become a mediator in 2010 and opened my business in 2015. Would you say it’s been a smooth road, and if not, what are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced along the way? I waited five years to open my business. I wanted to make sure that I had enough experience and confidence mediating cases first. So before I opened my business, I mediated many cases in D.C. Courts in three separate divisions: the Small Claims Division, the Family Mediation Program, and the Judge in Chambers Program. These programs are all part of Multi-Door Dispute Resolution in Washington, D.C. After I opened my business, I needed to learn when I could do things myself — such as build my own website and write my own blogs — and when to hire people to help me — such as hiring a bookkeeper, an accountant, and a summer associate. At one point, I was mediating court-referred cases, teaching law school, and mediating private cases through my business, Little Falls Mediation all at the same time. In 2021, during the pandemic, I decided to focus solely on my business and to stop teaching law school after 8 semesters, and to stop mediating court-referred cases after a decade. This decision was a good one as it allowed me to work with many more clients and to grow my business. One thing that I looked forward to for a full year was living and working remotely in California in 2023 for the month of February. Sadly, my father was diagnosed with Covid at the end of January in Florida just before we left and died 30 days later. Much of my time in La Jolla was spent trying to help him from afar along with my siblings who were in New York and New Jersey. I also had to leave La Jolla mid-February for a visit to the Florida hospital where my father was fighting for his life. My husband and I will for sure return to the La Jolla area soon to work remotely again since we love the state of California and the West Coast. Thanks for sharing that. So, maybe next, you can tell us a bit more about your business. My business is a mediation practice. I am a lawyer who has evolved into a neutral mediator. I help my clients to resolve disputes in family, community, workplace, and business matters. My mission is to provide a caring, empathetic environment where clients feel comfortable, safe, and empowered in discussing and resolving conflict. Mediation is collaborative and cooperative rather than competitive and adversarial. My brand is threefold: rapid response, kindness, and competence. I am most proud of these three factors because my clients come to me in times of great stress, and I treat them exactly as I would want to be treated. I am a guest professor once each fall and once each spring at American University. I teach Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) to college students. I also created and taught my own experiential Alternative Dispute Resolution and Mediation classes for 8 semesters at George Mason University’s Scalia Law School from Fall 2017 through Spring 2021. (I taught ADR each fall and Mediation each spring.) Teaching helps to make me a better mediator. What was your favorite childhood memory? I used to love to watch the Buffalo Bills outdoors (it was cold!) and the Buffalo Sabres play indoors growing up in Buffalo! Contact Info:   Clients and friends often assume that because I am a mediator, I excel at working out conflict within my own family. I tell them that mediation skills are valuable in everyday life and help navigate conflicts, improve communication, and foster better relationships. Here's how you can apply mediation skills in your daily interactions wherever you are:
Mediation is a learned skill that takes time to develop and refine. The more you practice these techniques in your daily life, the more effective you'll become at handling conflicts and fostering positive relationships. |
AuthorEllice Halpern, J.D., is a Virginia Supreme Court certified general and family mediator. Archives
November 2025
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