​How to Avoid Uncomfortable Topics Around the Thanksgiving Table

Thanksgiving is a time to gather with family and friends, enjoy delicious food, watch football (Let's Go Buffalo!) and create lasting memories. But for many, the dinner table can also be a source of tension, especially when certain topics come up. Whether it’s politics, religion, or personal differences, some conversations can quickly sour the mood. Here are a few tips for avoiding uncomfortable topics and keeping the holiday spirit alive:

1.Set the Tone Early. Before the meal begins, it can help to set some ground rules. While it’s not necessary to lay down a strict ban on certain topics, simply encouraging a focus on gratitude and positive conversation can guide guests away from more contentious subjects. A gentle reminder about the spirit of the holiday can go a long way in preventing heated debates.

2.Redirect the Conversation. If you sense a conversation veering toward sensitive territory, try to gently steer it in a different direction. Ask open-ended questions about everyone’s favorite holiday traditions or plans for the future. A conversation about upcoming vacations or family memories can quickly replace a debate about divisive issues.

3.Encourage Shared Experiences. Often, people become more animated when discussing topics they feel strongly about. Instead of focusing on controversial matters, encourage guests to share positive experiences. Ask people to talk about what they’re thankful for, or invite family members to share funny or heartwarming stories from the past.

4.Know When to Intervene. As a mediator, it’s important to recognize when a conversation is starting to get uncomfortable. If an argument starts brewing, step in and offer a calming word or suggest taking a break from the conversation. Sometimes, a simple "Let’s agree to disagree" or "This isn’t the time or place for this discussion" can defuse a situation without escalating tensions.

5.Respect Boundaries. If you know certain topics are particularly sensitive for some guests, it’s best to avoid bringing them up at all. Respecting boundaries ensures everyone feels safe and respected during the gathering. If you’re unsure what might be off-limits, it’s okay to ask in advance or keep the conversation light and neutral.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of connection, reflection, and gratitude. By setting clear expectations for respectful conversation and gently steering things away from sensitive topics, you can create a warm and enjoyable atmosphere for everyone. After all, the best way to celebrate is by fostering harmony and making memories that will last long after the meal is over.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What is the best way to navigate political conversations and talk about the Presidential election with friends and family?

As the presidential election approaches, discussions surrounding candidates like Donald Trump and Kamala Harris can quickly become contentious, especially among friends and family. Political opinions can be deeply personal, and navigating these conversations requires sensitivity and strategy. Here are some comprehensive approaches to help you engage in meaningful discussions without damaging relationships:
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1. Choose the Right Time and Place Finding the right environment is crucial. Opt for settings where everyone feels comfortable and relaxed—like a casual dinner or a walk in the park. Avoid discussing politics during stressful occasions, such as family gatherings or during heated moments.  Create a more open atmosphere for dialogue.

2. Listen Actively Listening is key to effective communication. Practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and refraining from interrupting. Show that you value the other person’s opinion by paraphrasing what they say: “So you feel that….” This not only demonstrates your engagement but also clarifies any misunderstandings.

3. Stay Calm and Respectful Emotions can escalate quickly in political discussions. To keep the conversation constructive, maintain a calm demeanor. If you feel yourself getting heated, take a deep breath and pause before responding. Use “I” statements to express your views (e.g., “I feel that…”), which can reduce the likelihood of others feeling attacked or defensive.

4. Share Personal Experiences Instead of solely presenting facts or statistics, share personal stories that illustrate your beliefs. This makes your perspective more relatable. For example, discuss how a particular policy has impacted your life or your community. Personal anecdotes can humanize political issues and foster empathy.

5. Find Common Ground Start the conversation by identifying shared values or concerns. Whether it’s a mutual interest in healthcare, education, or economic stability, focusing on what you agree on can create a collaborative atmosphere. You might say, “We both care about improving our community—let’s talk about the best way to achieve that.”

6. Ask Open-Ended Questions Encourage deeper discussion by asking open-ended questions that invite elaboration. Instead of yes/no questions, try: “What do you think about how that policy would affect our community?” This prompts thoughtful responses and keeps the conversation flowing.

7. Introduce Nuanced Perspectives Sometimes, people are entrenched in their views. Gently introducing alternative perspectives can encourage critical thinking. For example, you might say, “Have you considered how that policy might impact different groups?” This invites reflection without directly challenging their beliefs.

8. Practice Empathy Acknowledge the emotions behind political beliefs. Many people’s views are shaped by personal experiences and values. Express empathy by recognizing their feelings, such as saying, “I understand why this issue is important to you.” This can build rapport and demonstrate that you respect their perspective, even if you disagree.

9. Know When to Step Back If the conversation starts to escalate or becomes unproductive, it’s perfectly acceptable to step back. You might say, “I think we both feel strongly about this—maybe we can agree to revisit this topic later?” Protecting your mental health and the relationship is paramount.

10. Agree to Disagree Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you may find that agreement isn’t possible. In such cases, it’s vital to acknowledge this reality respectfully. Phrases like, “I respect your opinion, and I appreciate our ability to discuss these issues openly,” can help maintain a positive relationship despite differences.
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11. Limit Exposure to Negativity Be mindful of how political discussions can affect your mood and stress levels. If a conversation turns negative or hostile, don’t hesitate to redirect the topic to something lighter or more neutral. Prioritize your well-being and the health of your relationships.

Engaging in political discussions during an election season can be challenging, especially with loved ones holding opposing views. By employing these strategies—choosing the right setting, actively listening, sharing personal experiences, and focusing on common ground—you can foster respectful dialogue. Remember, the goal is not necessarily to change minds but to understand one another better. Approaching these conversations with empathy and respect will help preserve your relationships, regardless of political differences.

I was happy to speak with writer Robyn Gearey about how I work with clients in mediation. Sometimes, in addition to a mediator, a parenting coordinator who is a child development specialist can be very helpful to families during and after divorce. I was happy to see that Robyn also interviewed my colleague Lisa Herrick, PhD in the below Arlington magazine cover story, published in the September/October 2024 edition. Check out Robyn's article, "Parenting Through Divorce, How to make it easer on the kids if you decide to call it quits".

https://www.arlingtonmagazine.com/parenting-divorce/

BILL EDDY,  LCSW, Esq., is a family mediator, family lawyer, family counselor and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He is the author of several books and the developer of methods for managing high-conflict situations, including New Ways for Families, a brief counseling or online and coaching method of learning skills for dealing with co-parenting in separation and divorce. The High Conflict Institute provides speakers and trainers to professionals around the world for managing high-conflict situations, as well as providing separated parents with numerous free articles. 

I regularly work with parents who are separating and divorcing to create parenting plans for their children.  As we make the transition from summer days, camps, vacations, and activities to the routine of the school year, below are Bill Eddy's twelve tips for co-parent boundaries:

https://highconflictinstitute.com/divorce-coparenting/top-12-tips-for-co-parent-boundaries/

“Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.” ― Dr. Sukhraj Dhillon

My son John, who is a college student, moved to Los Angeles this summer to work as a summer intern in post-production at IMAX. When he arrived in early June, a few days before his internship began, he was surprised to find that the university-owned apartment that he was subleasing from graduate student Madison* was extremely cluttered, not clean, disorganized, and crammed with old food and stuff. The photos that she had posted of the apartment when advertising it on Facebook looked nothing like what he walked into. She had also insisted on him paying total rent of $5340 in advance for a three month sublease and had refused to consider a sublease for just the term of his internship.

A picture is worth 1000 words. I told John to photograph and video the apartment as he found it, to contact University Housing, to find a cleaning service, and to hire a professional organizer to help him pack up Madison's stuff so that he could unpack his things. He sent me a few photos, and I thought I was going to get sick after viewing them. The state of the refrigerator and freezer along with the exploded food inside, the sheer volume of things dumped and piled high everywhere in the apartment, and the kitchen cabinet doors that had fallen off their hinges, really got me.

John spent hours working beside a cleaning lady and a professional organizer from Task Rabbit (who moonlights as an actor and was an extra in the movie Oppenheimer). Both of these wonderful people were true angels. Some of the stuff that covered every inch of the floor, cabinets, all surfaces and counters, the closet from top to bottom, and furniture was carefully packed into oversized boxes and labeled. The kitchen was deep cleaned and the pots and pans left out with old food still stuck on them were scrubbed. The boxes were neatly piled up into the center of the kitchen. John later stacked them in the living room. The maintenance department re-attached the broken cabinet doors. The housing contact said that it was policy to not get involved in disputes between a student and a sublessee. Madison chose to not reimburse John for the money that he paid for cleaning and organizing expenses nor did she have a friend pick up her boxes.

The other day I noticed that Madison had posted an ad on a Facebook off-campus housing page offering the apartment for sublease from August 15 to September 30, even though John has a sublease from June 5 through September 5. Wasn't it enough that she had left the apartment in a non-habitable state for him and deceived him about what the apartment actually looked like? Was someone going to show up at the apartment and start moving in while John was still living there? Was she trying to make more money by offering overlapping subleases?

As a parent, I wanted John to enjoy his internship and life in LA. without engaging in a back and forth with Madison. I was deeply disturbed that she would treat anyone this way and that Housing took little action to help. I had hoped that Housing would at least store Madison's boxes until the sublease ended. I am happy to report that John is having a fantastic summer working at IMAX and living in LA. As a mediator, I used to handle landlord/tenant disputes all the time in the Small Claims Division in D.C. Courts, Multi-Door Dispute Resolution. My job as a mediator is to empower my clients to identify the issues, brainstorm solutions, evaluate those solutions, and reach joint decisions. My job as a parent is also to empower my children and not to fix every problem that they encounter. I wanted to fix this problem for John but knew that I needed to let him handle it.

John ended up writing a short note to Madison and to Housing with my guidance outlining that he was aware she was attempting to double sublease and that this was not acceptable nor legal. Housing responded to him that they would not allow an overlapping sublease request. He still has three more weeks in LA before he returns to the East coast and I want him to continue to enjoy his internship and his LA adventures! (There is a funny story involved regarding when he met actor Glenn Powell, pictured above, in the bathroom of the Village movie theater at the premiere of Twisters in Westwood.)

*I've changed the name of the person John is subleasing from to protect her privacy.

I've been reading a lot of research on forgiveness lately and came across this Oscar Wilde quote: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

Here are two articles worth reading today on forgiveness: one by Sonder Wellness, January 29, 2024 entitled "How to Practice Forgiveness" and  another by Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD, Psychology Today, May 26, 2023 "Why Forgiveness Is So Hard (but Important).

​https://www.sonderwellness.com/blog/2024/01/29/forgiveness/

"To err is human; to forgive, divine." -- Alexander Pope

​www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-parents-can-heal-rifts-with-their-adult-children/
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Check out this thoughtful and thorough April 15, 2024 article written by Joshua Coleman and published in the publication Scientific American. 

Clients often come to see me feeling a wide range of emotions including disappointment, helplessness, grief, anger, outrage, sadness, and betrayal. Emotions influence all of our decisions -- what concessions a person will make during negotiations, when a person will make concessions, whether he or she will continue to negotiate or settle, how he or she will push the other party, how the other person will react when pushed.  People in conflict have a full range of emotions that vary in intensity during mediation, and over time, parties become less able to communicate, more polarized, and less able to resolve their conflict.

The publication  "Grief, Anger, and Fear in Mediation" written by lawyers and mediators Joe and Susan Epstein discusses  how mediators can help untie the knot of emotion and states in pertinent part:

"...Being attuned to the presence and addressing the key emotions of grief, anger, and fear as they arise in the context of mediation...is more often than not the key to successful mediations. Commentators in the field of mediation often address the motivations, underlying interests, and needs of the parties involved in conflict.  Skillful mediators search for and address these factors during the course of mediation. Nonetheless, commentators, mediators, and negotiators tend to overlook the emotionally powerful issues of grief, anger, and fear.  Acknowledgement of emotional factors empowers parties, creates a legitimate sense of control and fairness, and creates the opportunity to restore, preserve, or enhance relationships.  In short, by addressing emotions, mediators and negotiators will unlock the door to key motivations, interests, and needs facing parties..."

Mediators help resolve conflict by identifying common goals, engaging the parties in cooperation, and focusing on the substance of the dispute. We also use tools to address issues and emotions in mediation such as paraphrasing, reframing, validating, summarizing, and asking open ended questions.  In particular, we validate by (1) noticing the presence of emotion, (2) being present and giving all of our attention to the person who is speaking, and (3) acknowledging and naming the emotion. Too often, attorneys and negotiators are uncomfortable with addressing emotion in a mediation room and choose to simply ignore it.



 

Mediation is more than just a process; it's a journey towards resolution, understanding, and healing. In this blog post, we're sharing hypothetical examples of individuals and families who, with the guidance of mediation, may navigate their challenges and emerge with strengthened relationships and newfound peace.
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1. Rebuilding Trust in Co-Parenting: In one case, a divorced couple struggling with communication found solace through mediation. Through facilitated discussions, they developed a co-parenting plan that prioritized the well-being of their children. Today, they share parenting responsibilities amicably, rebuilding trust and creating a stable environment for their family.
2. A Harmony of Inheritance: In a complex family inheritance dispute, mediation played a pivotal role in fostering communication and understanding. Siblings engaged in open dialogue, guided by a skilled mediator, and reached a fair and mutually agreeable resolution. The result was not only the equitable distribution of assets but also the preservation of sibling relationships that had been strained for years.
3. Resolving Marital Strain through Mediation: A couple on the brink of divorce sought mediation to explore an alternative to litigation. Through guided conversations, they addressed underlying issues, learned effective communication strategies, and ultimately decided to give their marriage another chance. Mediation provided the space for them to rediscover the love and commitment that had initially brought them together.
4. From Workplace Conflict to Collaboration: Mediation isn't confined to family matters; it extends to various aspects of life, including the workplace. In a corporate setting, a team grappling with internal conflicts found resolution through workplace mediation. By fostering open dialogue, acknowledging differing perspectives, and creating a plan for moving forward, the team transformed from a divided group to a collaborative and productive unit.
5. Healing Generational Wounds: In a particularly poignant case, a family sought mediation to address deep-seated generational conflicts. Through facilitated conversations, the family members uncovered long-held grievances and worked towards reconciliation. The healing process not only repaired fractured family ties but also set the stage for a more connected and supportive family dynamic.

These anecdotal examples show the power of mediation to transform relationships, facilitate understanding, and pave the way for a more harmonious future. If you find yourself facing challenges within your family or workplace, consider the transformative potential of mediation – a process that goes beyond conflict resolution to foster positive growth and lasting connections.





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