I was happy to speak with writer Robyn Gearey about how I work with clients in mediation. Sometimes, in addition to a mediator, a parenting coordinator who is a child development specialist can be very helpful to families during and after divorce. I was happy to see that Robyn also interviewed my colleague Lisa Herrick, PhD in the below Arlington magazine cover story, published in the September/October 2024 edition. Check out Robyn's article, "Parenting Through Divorce, How to make it easer on the kids if you decide to call it quits".

https://www.arlingtonmagazine.com/parenting-divorce/

BILL EDDY,  LCSW, Esq., is a family mediator, family lawyer, family counselor and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He is the author of several books and the developer of methods for managing high-conflict situations, including New Ways for Families, a brief counseling or online and coaching method of learning skills for dealing with co-parenting in separation and divorce. The High Conflict Institute provides speakers and trainers to professionals around the world for managing high-conflict situations, as well as providing separated parents with numerous free articles. 

I regularly work with parents who are separating and divorcing to create parenting plans for their children.  As we make the transition from summer days, camps, vacations, and activities to the routine of the school year, below are Bill Eddy's twelve tips for co-parent boundaries:

https://highconflictinstitute.com/divorce-coparenting/top-12-tips-for-co-parent-boundaries/

“Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.” ― Dr. Sukhraj Dhillon

My son John, who is a college student, moved to Los Angeles this summer to work as a summer intern in post-production at IMAX. When he arrived in early June, a few days before his internship began, he was surprised to find that the university-owned apartment that he was subleasing from graduate student Madison* was extremely cluttered, not clean, disorganized, and crammed with old food and stuff. The photos that she had posted of the apartment when advertising it on Facebook looked nothing like what he walked into. She had also insisted on him paying total rent of $5340 in advance for a three month sublease and had refused to consider a sublease for just the term of his internship.

A picture is worth 1000 words. I told John to photograph and video the apartment as he found it, to contact University Housing, to find a cleaning service, and to hire a professional organizer to help him pack up Madison's stuff so that he could unpack his things. He sent me a few photos, and I thought I was going to get sick after viewing them. The state of the refrigerator and freezer along with the exploded food inside, the sheer volume of things dumped and piled high everywhere in the apartment, and the kitchen cabinet doors that had fallen off their hinges, really got me.

John spent hours working beside a cleaning lady and a professional organizer from Task Rabbit (who moonlights as an actor and was an extra in the movie Oppenheimer). Both of these wonderful people were true angels. Some of the stuff that covered every inch of the floor, cabinets, all surfaces and counters, the closet from top to bottom, and furniture was carefully packed into oversized boxes and labeled. The kitchen was deep cleaned and the pots and pans left out with old food still stuck on them were scrubbed. The boxes were neatly piled up into the center of the kitchen. John later stacked them in the living room. The maintenance department re-attached the broken cabinet doors. The housing contact said that it was policy to not get involved in disputes between a student and a sublessee. Madison chose to not reimburse John for the money that he paid for cleaning and organizing expenses nor did she have a friend pick up her boxes.

The other day I noticed that Madison had posted an ad on a Facebook off-campus housing page offering the apartment for sublease from August 15 to September 30, even though John has a sublease from June 5 through September 5. Wasn't it enough that she had left the apartment in a non-habitable state for him and deceived him about what the apartment actually looked like? Was someone going to show up at the apartment and start moving in while John was still living there? Was she trying to make more money by offering overlapping subleases?

As a parent, I wanted John to enjoy his internship and life in LA. without engaging in a back and forth with Madison. I was deeply disturbed that she would treat anyone this way and that Housing took little action to help. I had hoped that Housing would at least store Madison's boxes until the sublease ended. I am happy to report that John is having a fantastic summer working at IMAX and living in LA. As a mediator, I used to handle landlord/tenant disputes all the time in the Small Claims Division in D.C. Courts, Multi-Door Dispute Resolution. My job as a mediator is to empower my clients to identify the issues, brainstorm solutions, evaluate those solutions, and reach joint decisions. My job as a parent is also to empower my children and not to fix every problem that they encounter. I wanted to fix this problem for John but knew that I needed to let him handle it.

John ended up writing a short note to Madison and to Housing with my guidance outlining that he was aware she was attempting to double sublease and that this was not acceptable nor legal. Housing responded to him that they would not allow an overlapping sublease request. He still has three more weeks in LA before he returns to the East coast and I want him to continue to enjoy his internship and his LA adventures! (There is a funny story involved regarding when he met actor Glenn Powell, pictured above, in the bathroom of the Village movie theater at the premiere of Twisters in Westwood.)

*I've changed the name of the person John is subleasing from to protect her privacy.

I've been reading a lot of research on forgiveness lately and came across this Oscar Wilde quote: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

Here are two articles worth reading today on forgiveness: one by Sonder Wellness, January 29, 2024 entitled "How to Practice Forgiveness" and  another by Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD, Psychology Today, May 26, 2023 "Why Forgiveness Is So Hard (but Important).

​https://www.sonderwellness.com/blog/2024/01/29/forgiveness/

"To err is human; to forgive, divine." -- Alexander Pope

​www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-parents-can-heal-rifts-with-their-adult-children/
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Check out this thoughtful and thorough April 15, 2024 article written by Joshua Coleman and published in the publication Scientific American. 

Clients often come to see me feeling a wide range of emotions including disappointment, helplessness, grief, anger, outrage, sadness, and betrayal. Emotions influence all of our decisions -- what concessions a person will make during negotiations, when a person will make concessions, whether he or she will continue to negotiate or settle, how he or she will push the other party, how the other person will react when pushed.  People in conflict have a full range of emotions that vary in intensity during mediation, and over time, parties become less able to communicate, more polarized, and less able to resolve their conflict.

The publication  "Grief, Anger, and Fear in Mediation" written by lawyers and mediators Joe and Susan Epstein discusses  how mediators can help untie the knot of emotion and states in pertinent part:

"...Being attuned to the presence and addressing the key emotions of grief, anger, and fear as they arise in the context of mediation...is more often than not the key to successful mediations. Commentators in the field of mediation often address the motivations, underlying interests, and needs of the parties involved in conflict.  Skillful mediators search for and address these factors during the course of mediation. Nonetheless, commentators, mediators, and negotiators tend to overlook the emotionally powerful issues of grief, anger, and fear.  Acknowledgement of emotional factors empowers parties, creates a legitimate sense of control and fairness, and creates the opportunity to restore, preserve, or enhance relationships.  In short, by addressing emotions, mediators and negotiators will unlock the door to key motivations, interests, and needs facing parties..."

Mediators help resolve conflict by identifying common goals, engaging the parties in cooperation, and focusing on the substance of the dispute. We also use tools to address issues and emotions in mediation such as paraphrasing, reframing, validating, summarizing, and asking open ended questions.  In particular, we validate by (1) noticing the presence of emotion, (2) being present and giving all of our attention to the person who is speaking, and (3) acknowledging and naming the emotion. Too often, attorneys and negotiators are uncomfortable with addressing emotion in a mediation room and choose to simply ignore it.



 

Mediation is more than just a process; it's a journey towards resolution, understanding, and healing. In this blog post, we're sharing hypothetical examples of individuals and families who, with the guidance of mediation, may navigate their challenges and emerge with strengthened relationships and newfound peace.
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1. Rebuilding Trust in Co-Parenting: In one case, a divorced couple struggling with communication found solace through mediation. Through facilitated discussions, they developed a co-parenting plan that prioritized the well-being of their children. Today, they share parenting responsibilities amicably, rebuilding trust and creating a stable environment for their family.
2. A Harmony of Inheritance: In a complex family inheritance dispute, mediation played a pivotal role in fostering communication and understanding. Siblings engaged in open dialogue, guided by a skilled mediator, and reached a fair and mutually agreeable resolution. The result was not only the equitable distribution of assets but also the preservation of sibling relationships that had been strained for years.
3. Resolving Marital Strain through Mediation: A couple on the brink of divorce sought mediation to explore an alternative to litigation. Through guided conversations, they addressed underlying issues, learned effective communication strategies, and ultimately decided to give their marriage another chance. Mediation provided the space for them to rediscover the love and commitment that had initially brought them together.
4. From Workplace Conflict to Collaboration: Mediation isn't confined to family matters; it extends to various aspects of life, including the workplace. In a corporate setting, a team grappling with internal conflicts found resolution through workplace mediation. By fostering open dialogue, acknowledging differing perspectives, and creating a plan for moving forward, the team transformed from a divided group to a collaborative and productive unit.
5. Healing Generational Wounds: In a particularly poignant case, a family sought mediation to address deep-seated generational conflicts. Through facilitated conversations, the family members uncovered long-held grievances and worked towards reconciliation. The healing process not only repaired fractured family ties but also set the stage for a more connected and supportive family dynamic.

These anecdotal examples show the power of mediation to transform relationships, facilitate understanding, and pave the way for a more harmonious future. If you find yourself facing challenges within your family or workplace, consider the transformative potential of mediation – a process that goes beyond conflict resolution to foster positive growth and lasting connections.





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Loved talking to Bold Journeys about resilience, grit and perseverance, my parents, and all things mediation! Click above to read the full article or read it below:

We were lucky to catch up with Ellice (Lisa) Halpern recently and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Ellice (Lisa), appreciate you sitting with us today to share your wisdom with our readers. So, let’s start with resilience – where do you get your resilience from?
That is a really interesting question and one that I have not been asked about before in an interview. I am fascinated with the topic of resilience and grit. I remember when Sheryl Sandberg gave the commencement speech at Virginia Tech’s graduation in 2017, after her husband Dave Goldberg died suddenly in 2015. Sheryl said in pertinent part, “The most important thing I learned is that we are not born with a certain amount of resilience. It is a muscle and that means we can build it.” Sheryl and psychologist Adam Grant talk about how to build resilience in yourself in their book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. “Hundreds of studies have shown that children and adults recover more quickly when they realize that hardships aren’t entirely their fault, don’t affect every aspect of their lives, and won’t follow them everywhere forever.”
Where do I get my resilience? My mother used to tell me when I would become overwhelmed with school work in high school, college, and law school to take one thing at a time. I am a detail person and a perfectionist, and this wise advice has guided me throughout life. We have a choice to complain and to see the glass as half empty or to reframe our thoughts, find the silver linings, and to see the glass as half full. My parents divorced when I was 12. My mother was a single mom who raised three children on her own, worked full time in a career that she loved, and died of cancer at age 55 eight weeks after diagnosis. She was a very positive and resilient person and led by example. My father had various health issues but did not complain about them; he carried on with a full life of working as an attorney and traveling.
I continue to build resilience day by day and year by year. I am paraphrasing Sheryl and Adam here: We all go through hardship and heartbreak and it is important to surround ourselves with our tribe, to speak about traumatic events, and to build self-confidence and self-compassion. We need to pay attention to our happiness and our joyful moments.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
I am a mediator and have owned my business Little Falls Mediation since 2015. My business is based in Arlington, Virginia, and I work remotely when I spend time in California. Our mission is to provide a caring, empathetic environment where clients feel comfortable, safe, and empowered in discussing and resolving conflict. I mainly work with families on marriage, family, divorce and post divorce matters and also help to resolve disputes in community, workplace, and business matters. Mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution in which the mediator empowers the parties to a dispute to identify the issues, brainstorm solutions, evaluate solutions, and reach joint decisions.
My brand is kindness, rapid response, and competence. My clients come to me when they are undergoing great stress, and I treat them exactly as I would want to be treated.
I started off as a lawyer. I worked in an executive branch agency in Washington, D.C. after law school, then worked in the U.S. Senate for Senator Ted Stevens from Alaska. I then worked as Washington counsel for the American Medical Association. After I had three children, I decided I wanted to take charge of my schedule. I trained to become a mediator in 2010. I started working at Multi-Door Dispute Resolution in D.C. Courts, handling court referred cases in the Small Claims, Family, and Judge in Chambers programs. I taught Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) and Mediation at the Scalia Law School at George Mason University for many semesters. And I currently guest lecture at American University once each semester as well on ADR.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
Perseverance, grit, and resilience were three qualities that were impactful in my journey. And to be successful in my practice with my clients: kindness, rapid response, competence, and transparency about the mediation process and costs.
My advice: find a mentor and be a mentor. One very important mentor to me was Larry Gaughan, known as the father of mediation in the D.C./Maryland/Virginia area. I met him at a conference and learned so much from him about life, grit and resilience, and dispute resolution. We became good friends and colleagues and I miss him every day. Larry died at age 85 in 2019. I receive regular calls from young professionals who are interested in mediation as a career, and I very much enjoy speaking with them and mentoring them.
To close, maybe we can chat about your parents and what they did that was particularly impactful for you?
My parents empowered me to figure things out for myself. They did not hover over me. I paid for college and law school mostly from student loans even though my father was a lawyer and could well afford to pay for my education at Cornell and Georgetown. I paid for my first brand new car with money earned from my first job out of law school. I paid for my contact lenses and my clothes as a teenager. I always had a job. My parents worked hard throughout their lives — my mother as a Development Director up until her death at age 55 and my father as a lawyer and then journalist up until his death at age 88. And they both were extroverts and loved traveling, volunteering in their communities, engaging in what was going on in the world, and celebrating life. I miss them every day.
Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.littlefallsmediation.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/littlefallsmediation/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/littlefallsmediation
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ellice-lisa-halpern-5b81726/
• Twitter: https://twitter.com/ellicehalpern

Image Credits
Photo at AWE (Arlington Women Entrepreneurs conference), Jackie Huber photographer. Headshot, Tim Coburn photographer. GMU photo, shot with my cellphone.

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season and a happy and healthy New Year! 

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