little falls mediation
  • Home
  • About Ellice Halpern
  • How LFM Can Help You
  • Mediation
    • WHAT IS MEDIATION
    • FAMILY/DIVORCE MEDIATION
    • BUSINESS/CIVIL MEDIATION
  • Resources
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • Testimonials

A Loving Letter To My Mediation Clients 

4/26/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
I came across the following blog post by mediator Tammy Lenski.  I loved it and wanted to share it. Tammy Lenski launched her firm in 1997 and coined the phrase conflict zen -- her non-prescriptive, simplified approach to conflict resolution.  She says that she has come to believe that what many people really want during conflict is the kind of centered, balanced and intentional reaction that Zen practices teach.  When people ask me about Little Falls Mediation, I always tell them that the most important part of my practice is to make people feel comfortable and safe when they come to the mediation table. Tammy Lenski's article really resonated with me:

My friend,

There are some things I want to say about mediation with me, things I hope you’ll ponder before we gather, things I hope will guide you as we talk. I may mention them a time or two during our time together.

Mediation is about learning. It’s about learning something you didn’t understand before, something that may have been hidden by the frustration between you. It’s about learning what matters so deeply to the other person that unless you address it, you will remain stuck. It’s about learning what’s hooked you so deeply, too, revealing itself to you gradually until there it is, staring you in the face and begging to be acknowledged. Please understand that if you only talk about what you already think you know, nothing new will happen in mediation. That would be a shame. To learn best, you must do some of the same things you do anytime you want to learn: You must listen with curiosity and wonderment, turning off your certainty for a time. You must not talk all the time, because it is impossible to absorb new information when you’re focused on output. You must pause and chew and digest. I will help hold the space for this.

Mediation is about the future. It is tempting, so tempting, to spend your energy on what happened and didn’t happen and was said and was not said and what was wrong and not wrong. Your frustration will want to keep you there. Mediation won’t ignore the past, but neither will it dwell there, for mediation is about what will happen from this moment forward, from today on, that addresses what’s between you. You cannot change what happened but you still have dominion over today and some of tomorrow.
To look to the future, you must face forward more often than you look over your shoulder because you will fall down if you walk while looking behind you. You will hear me nudge you toward the future and help you figure out what to do with the past so that it informs you without constricting you. I will help create the space and the circumstance for this.

Mediation is about what matters. If you’re working with me, then you’re no doubt mediating something between you and a person with whom you’ll be in ongoing relationship. Perhaps a partner, perhaps a co-worker, perhaps a sibling or parent or friend. Relationships are nurtured by attending to what really matters and figuring out how not to trap yourself in the minutiae of small annoyances. You must talk about what matters. Everything else — the same argument you keep having, the lawsuit you’ve threatened, the problem you notice daily — they hint at what matters but they are not what matters.
To focus on what matters, you must dig a bit, be willing to look beneath. Sometimes you must step back and look at the broader picture. Sometimes you also have to look at what is working and figure out how to do more of that (as you learned when you first sat behind the wheel, when you focus only on potholes, you end up steering right into them). I will help create space to figure out and talk about what really matters. They may be different things for each of you. That is ok.

Mediation may make you laugh, may make you cry, may make you want to yell, may make you want to jitterbug with joy. It is wrong to think of the mediation table as a place of pain. It can be that, yes, but it can also be the place of delight and solace and freedom. Sometimes we appreciate joy more when it shines in contrast to the discomfort that preceded it.

We’ll sit down together soon. I’ll be there to learn, to look to the future, to focus on what matters. Please take my outstretched hand and join me.
​
© 2016 Tammy Lenski. Used with permission. Original article can be found at http://lenski.com/letter-to-mediation-clients/

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Ellice Halpern, J.D., is a Virginia Supreme Court certified general and family mediator.

    Archives

    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Copyright © 2015 www.littlefallsmediation.com
  • Home
  • About Ellice Halpern
  • How LFM Can Help You
  • Mediation
    • WHAT IS MEDIATION
    • FAMILY/DIVORCE MEDIATION
    • BUSINESS/CIVIL MEDIATION
  • Resources
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • Testimonials