Five Positive Co-Parenting Tips

All the families with whom I work are unique.  Many have young children and others have children who are 18 and older or no children. Some couples are extremely amicable and remain good friends.  Other couples are cordial but do not wish to spend time together.  Some couples cannot be in the same room together.  For many parents, developing a parenting plan during mediation is difficult because parents do not want to go from living with their children all of the time to sharing their children with an ex-spouse.  Co-parenting is difficult for some families and easy for other families.  Here are some suggestions for how to make co-parenting work well:

• Focus on what is in the best interests of your children.  Parents are usually surprised in mediation when they realize that they agree with each other on many issues regarding their children. For example, they often agree on big matters concerning their child's education, religion, and medical decisions, as well as smaller issues such as bedtime, use of electronics, and discipline. Make co-parenting rules and decisions together and respect these policies that you have made together.

• Hold regular family meetings.  Many, but not all, families with whom I work like this idea and I write this concept into the parenting plan.  Parents may choose to meet with their children for some meetings and without the children for other meetings.  Meetings may be weekly or every other week or once per month.  Many parents like to meet up to talk about what's going on in the week ahead, what is going particularly well for the children, and what issues may be challenging. Some parents prefer to hold a regular phone call rather than a face to face meeting.

• Decide how to communicate.  Often one parent prefers to communicate by text or email and the other parent likes to communicate by phone call or face to face.  We usually discuss in mediation what method of communication each parent prefers, and it is rare that each parent prefers the same method.  Often a couple will agree on what form of communication to use for a particular type of matter. For example, texting may be used only for something urgent that requires an immediate response and email may be used to open up discussion of a complex issue.  Families might prefer to use an app such as Cozi Family Organizer to coordinate schedules and activities.  I include a communications paragraph in each marital settlement agreement that I write.  

• Don't try to control what your co-parent does in his or her house.  This issue has surfaced frequently in mediation.  Mom may be upset with how Dad is parenting and vice versa.  For example, Dad may allow the children to bike by themselves in the neighborhood and Mom is not comfortable with them crossing a street by themselves.  Dad may feel that Mom is not cooking dinners that are as nutritious as the dinners that he cooks.  Mom may not approve of the clothes Dad is allowing his son to wear.  Dad may be upset with Mom leaving the children home alone for an hour. Unless there is child abuse or neglect going on, respect your ex-spouse's right to run his or her household as he or she sees fit.

• Regulate your emotions.  Be polite to your co-parent in public, in front of your children, and in all face to face communications.  Keep written communications Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm (see more about BIFF on Bill Eddy's High Conflict Institute website.) If you profoundly disagree with how your ex-spouse is handling an issue relating to the children, find a way to have a calm discussion.  Find common ground and common interests (how much both parents love their children and want them to be safe, healthy, and happy) rather than arguing heatedly over different positions and who is right. Then brainstorm solutions to identified problems and evaluate those solutions in a collaborative and peaceful way.

Would love to hear from you on positive co-parenting tips that work for your family!